Jul 10 2011

my own little bubble…

 

view of the girls locker room at UA rec center…

with a world population around 7 billion human beings i am just a grain of sand in comparison.  one being suffering compared to that of billions on this planet and that’s not mentioning the other sentient beings like our beloved animals, insects…whom suffer no less but have no voice or capacity to communicate.  

sometimes i get so caught up in my little bubble that i fail to see the bigger picture…

sometimes i forget about today let alone the moment and project the future into this bubble with great unhappiness…

sometimes my mind is so out of control my emotions carry me to and fro like a roller coaster unhinged from its tracks…

tis human nature i guess to struggle so much, this wanting and grasping at external realities when the only thing that can change our bubble we live in is our minds and the awareness’ it brings.  cancer for me has brought a magnifying glass upon “self” and its existence.  yesterday i went to my Dharma center to hear a teaching on “concentration”, something i seem to be lacking these days!  what i came away with are opportunities and possibilities to becoming the person i want to be.  subtle, supple, giving, spontaneous in love/compassion and the tools to be able to change and benefit others…even now with cancer i can be of benefit to others!  how magical and how liberating!  now, if i can just keep this attitude…

 

how do YOU keep a positive/or happy mind? whom do you strive to become? 


Jul 1 2011

mere mortal

The true value of a human being is determined primarily by the measure and the sense in which he has attained to liberation from the self.

Einstein

yippee ki yay…my fave bakery above and that of the many kind and generous people whom have helped by cooking meals and deliveries, most especially my mate who follows me around with fluids and sandwiches, i have now gained 3 solid pounds back!!!

the quote above made me chuckle this morning because i have such a long long way to go before i experience liberation from self!  lately it feels as though the more i understand the less i know. which is OK…i am rather enjoying the NOT knowing, letting go of control of whatever i think i have control over, watching my mind and body stumble as if this body were not attached to this mind or vice verse, it humbles one this vulnerability.  earlier today i was in a terrible funk, feeling overwhelmed with what this life presented and then Laurel called to get some “momma advice”, and then her sister came by to spend a couple hours with me..and then i went swimming!!  swimming for me is like the analogy of riding a bike, no matter how many years i step away from this sport as soon as my body slips into a mass of water i can naturally swim, swim, swim.  today i swam 250 yards, 3 weeks after surgery!  i cannot thank my mate Hank enough!  he not only drives me everywhere he swam in the lane with me! all in all this day totally rocked and kicked that sorry “self” to the curb!!

port for chemo…looks like a golf ball under my skin!

healing nicely from surgery…


Jun 23 2011

effects

are produced thru the causes we create in body, speech and mind. cause / effect in Buddhist terms is called “karma”.  every action in body, speech and mind produces either a positive, negative or neutral effect…

two weeks out from surgery and my “plan” (i use the word loosely) was to start a walking regimen daily to build up endurance,eventually to get me to a pool where i can swim to build upon..these last two weeks have been rest, rest, rest, eat, rest, eat, rest…i fall asleep to (friend/mentor)Gamo’s ipod listening to everything from teachings to mantras…flowers now fill my house from family/friends, food comes by way of ninja like warriors they arrive and leave without my knowledge, beautiful things arrive by mail from people i have not had the pleasure to meet, letters/emails of hope and love and i wonder how i created such a wealth of love in my world?

one thing i am 100% sure on is how precious this life is…not just mine but yours!  the primary cancer i host, in science and medicine say it is caused only by “genetics” and yet nobody in either side of my family has ever been diagnosed with it. the tumor had a life of 5 – 7 years and yet i looked great by society standards and felt great.  it has to beg the question if you’re reading this…can it really happen like this? YES..it just did!

hug your loved ones, give, give and then give some more and give to strangers!  stop taking, blaming and wanting  for just one day and do nothing but give…you, your time, materials, fearlessness, a cut in the que, the victory to others…time has no relevance except in this moment.

taken yesterday at the UA campus rec. center!  hehhehe…look peeps this was only a photo opp!  thanks to my mate whom drove me over to there to keep my spirits up this was about the extent of my activity..visiting!


Jun 16 2011

mind games

scene from “anthropologie” boutique, in search for some soft nightie that might make me feel better…? now that was one moment with the lights out!

the surgery thus far has been a huge success, all my pelvic region is free of disease, i just have this tether of a catheder i drag around and hopefully get it removed today. this body i have carried around for over 51 yrs has gone thru a major transformation, oh yeah we’re talking “emptiness” on a whole new level.  from an average over the last 20 yrs of 115lbs i now hover 104lbs. pains and distortions i never knew could exist within such a small frame rear their voice usualy an octave higher than mine own.

there are too many people to thank in my world and when i feel more up to the task i will find you personally to thank you for your incredible kindness’s…because of your kindness and prayer i continue on, even on the dark days in my mind…like yesterday when the final pathology came in:

“my” liver, an organ that is your filtration system for your body has now been labeled; stage T4 N2 M1 poorly differentiated rectal adenocarcinoma with neuro-endocrine features…basically i need a miracle. there is one exception, a man in another country who still lives in his seventh year after treatment…he is the only survivor..thus far! yesterday was my darkest hour. but alas a new day has arisen and with it my belief in miracles, it is why i must train this new body now to gain in weight and strength to get to Manjushri,England by end of july.  miracles in my mind come by way of faith and positive minds, surrounded by the  thousands of Buddhists in retreat for two weeks, the Buddhas and the powerful prayers of the masses i place utmost faith in a miracle arising from this experience more than the science of medicine in chemo.  i will still go thru my round of 6 months of chemo however if there is no significant change for the better than my karma will speak for me.

this was taken yesterday before i had the discharge bag removed and before the final prognosis.  i chuckle at this photo cause you’d think it was taken after with that scowl across my face!!  i’ve yet to turn to anger in mind however the self-grasping ignorance barometer seems to be climbing!  please keep meditating mates…i am who i am thru the kindness of others.

All the attainments i desire arise from merely remembering you

oh wishfulfilling jewel protector of the

dharma please accommplish all my wishes.


Jun 4 2011

truth

this is “me”, the name given to me, “Hazel”. i am not unique, i am impermanent and because of the countless kind beings in my world i have experienced love, compassion and joy…and with this i have experienced their opponents. in all my fragmented writings on self, happiness, impermanence and this life i call samsara, Buddha is correct…life is suffering, varying degrees and snippets of pleasure and happiness but never lasting only temporary.

this was taken last night…2 days after i found out i have stage T4 cancer.  a prognosis where only 15% are cured. seems odd as i sat there with the gentle wind blowing, misters cooling the air and my life mate before me that i was sitting there dying. yes, we’re all dying everyday, but my clock suddenly has been catapulted to a faster pace, a pace which estimates that at the most statistics say five more years if the chemo works.  i have chosen to first go against the “standard of care” here in the country because they wanted to wheel me in the hospital that afternoon and put me on aggressive chemo and radiation for six months and then surgery and then more treatments of chemo!?  initially i wasn’t even scheduled for a visit to any doc until mid july, it was the power of my mate being in the field of medicine that snuck me in quicker than most people (whom suffer no less than i).  i am grateful for his attentive love and support and urgency to the matter, truth is if it weren’t for a little intestinal issues i felt fine.  just this morning i was at the bakery and the girls know my mother and i because we frequent it on a weekly basis, both gals today made comments at how “healthy” i looked and how beautiful my face…what a smile in my heart that produced, tho bittersweet.

with all the tools i’ve gained from my teachings in Dharma i am still an ordinary human with many emotions coming and going in waves.  i pray for peace of mind…i pray for others whom suffer…

so a new journey has begun for me and i would like to document it on occasion with images.  they will be random and not daily but hopefully thought provoking. funny, i don’t even know whom reads this blog with the exception of a few loyal friends…i suppose blogs really are meant for “self”, a way to expand our dialogue, to vent, to hear ourself through the words we read…and yet i hope it touches someone out there in space and time and moves them to change or at the very least stop for one moment and reflect on their life. have you been kind to others? when was the last time you gave of yourself? if you’ve never thought you might die today what if?


May 17 2011

Appearance to Mind

creek in Aravaipa Canyon

Happiness…what does the word conjure for you?

i just spent a few days in retreat on this topic.  Buddha has said that the root cause of all our suffering is ignorance, primarily self-grasping ignorance. to  experience lasting “happiness” one must realize the truth of all phenomena and persons…persons and other phenomena have no existence from their own side but exist as mere imputation by conceptual thought. to be inherently existent the phenomena or person would be static, unchanging, independent and permanent.  there is NOTHING that exists this way, everything changes moment by moment, everything is a dependent nature and everything is impermanent.  when we realize the true nature of  selflessness or emptiness we stop self-grasping and become free from experiencing suffering.

the retreat provided many short teachings with guided meditations, wisdom and method, to a group of approximately 30.  we wake in the mornings for breakfast at 7am  and practice silence till lunch time.  beginning at 8:30am we start with one hour combo’s of teaching(wisdom) and meditation(method) and break for one hour in silence to repeat this to the last teaching at 7:30p. it is very intensive training to be still, quiet and within.  by dark i am mentally exhausted, however i felt light and oddly happy, almost giddy. retreats for me generally are like a boost of vitamins/minerals of energy into my practice and faith. this retreat was no different, i feel less attached to self and stuff in general thus happier and freer to deal with daily life circumstances. i find this knowledge fascinating in itself!  the fact that no amount of technology or external objects or persons can bring such peace, clarity to mind and happiness validates that Buddha, Dharma (his teachings) are effective and simple with effort and faith.

i see or perceive our society as very external seekers. people seem to be in a rush, angry, unyielding, unkind…and i wonder do they even know why?  if you ask and i do, its generally about someone doing something to them, or wanting something they feel they need or deserve, it’s rather endless the stream of wants and blaming.  and yet i understand thru my practice that ALL this is an appearance to my mind.  i am no different than anybody else, i’ve shared in these thoughts and actions countless times! it is one of the many reasons i embarked or searched for some meaning to my life and to change myself, to be a better human being, to be of benefit to others…or simply to just be kind in everything i choose to react to. i can’t change your world but i can change what appears to my mind thus creating a world that reflects a subtle change of kindness…happiness.

this image has many interpretations…what a tangled web we weave from our delusions….home is the journey within…what do you see?


Apr 8 2011

Immigration or Im migration

Toole Shed, Tucson, 6th street (artist unknown)

A call to artists living in Arizona!! please read the following….

 

Here is a link that inspired this project: http://www.youtube.com/user/buddhagirlAZ?feature=mhum#p/a/f/0/M5MEC5MPjvg

 

Immigration in our state is a real issue…I am quite passionate about how our state and country “see’s” or perceives this phenomena.  To think about changing our laws to reflect children born in the US w/o documented parents as “illegal” or unconstitutional is a regression of humanity.  Our country was and is created by a diversity unlike anywhere in the world it is how America became the country it is today. Through the kindness of others we are who we are and who we become.

My mother emigrated from Japan and did not become a “legal” citizen until 1959; two years after my brother was born…in essence she and my brother would’ve been deported!

What I want to accomplish is to portray our state and that of Tucson and the artists of this city how a community of diversity “looks”, how we as a people are one.  Many cultures, faiths, races…thru the faces of child/parent we are humanity. No difference except beaurocracy and presentation…no being has the right to distinguish whom is legitimate by birth.

This is a first call to find interested artists in participating by means of allowing me to photograph you (born in the states) and your parent (whom was born in another country), or vice versa, you were born in another country and your parent was born here. If your parent is deceased we can use an existing photo. You will have to sign a release for both photographs so that we may produce these in large formats to paste onto walls, buildings or wherever we get permission. The portraits will be pasted side by side with name/country of birth. I have one wall but we need many to make an impact! If you have a friend who has a business or building or home with public visual access please ASK!

I am in the process of contacting this artist you just viewed. Here is his project website: http://www.insideoutproject.net/ My hopes are that he will jump on board to help make this a global project and if not we’ll make it happen on our own! I have access to video equipment and people whom can help document but if you know others have them jump on board.  This is a project that must be shared!

I have a warehouse/gallery I own and fabricate out of. I play in sculpture, mixed media, photography, installations and video. Please feel free to call me at 520-624-7290 or email.

Urban art is the best method for public awareness…if you have skills in this area please do not hesitate to chime in!

 

I look forward to working with you!

hazel

my belief is that no being has the right to distinguish whom is legitimate

at birth by country, race, faith, wealth, blood….we are all humanity and

we are all the same in essence.  beings made up of borrowed materials;

earth, water, fire, space, air.

 

 

 

 


Mar 26 2011

Urbanity ~ Points of Views

mariko burton working a mixed media mural while the reception is going…

Diana Yakowitz’ s photography is truly engaging, if you have the time please stop by her site!

http://thelimelightphotography.wordpress.com/

last show of the year at Kuzu. our 3rd anniversary was a success in my mind. i have come to terms with showing fine art in that expectations of sales is not a measure of success nor is the number of people whom attend.  it is about how the people who do show up enjoy the experience and the work represented. fine art is an investment which is not an impulsive buy, one needs to ruminate over the experience and the work..till one finds they are so moved they must revisit and find a personal space and commitment to invest. the quality of the attendance appreciated the works and the environ…raw foods presented by Elise were devoured and impressive…i love working with other artists! thanks everyone whom came out and supported your community!


Mar 2 2011

Urbanity ~ Points of Views

Rainbow View, Bisbee, AZ

by

Diana Yakowitz

Come join us here at Kuzu; 1991 E. Ajo Way, suite 161, 520.624.7290

March 25th, Friday, 6 – 9pm

for directions under page heading “contact” there is a google map link!

come meet the artists:

Diana Yakowitz, photography http://thelimelightphotography.wordpress.com/

Diane Colligan, encaustic collage

Mariko Burton will be working on a mural during the reception!  http://www.etsy.com/shop/kuzu

H. Colditz, sculptures/installation

Kuzu..where art is not just viewed but is an experience.


Feb 18 2011

self vs. self

http://www.youtube.com/user/buddhagirlAZ?feature=mhum#p/a/u/2/paAd5WejtDs


drop a comment and let me know your thoughts….

this was a final submission for an arts reality show that i entertained while in Chicago visiting my daughter.  the open calls were held in Chicago, New York and Los Angeles, i made it thru three rounds into the semi finals over thousands of  applicants!  i had five days to make a self portrait in my medium and document it on video and show my “personality”…this was the result.

needless to say i did not impress the producers…actually what they did say was i did not fit the dynamics of the group they had selected!! hehehhhee…makes me giggle!