a song title by Leonard Cohen…since i spend more time these days laying low i have a renewed passion for music and have created new playlists…slowly this body moves, the mind(s) are dancing to their own beat, uncontrolled visions appear before me…like yesterday morning a dead bat (native symbol for death/rebirth) lay at my back door like an offering…a sculpture we’ve had for years fell down and the clay woman was broken off at the waist…the book i was reading before i was diagnosed “Living Meaningfully, Dying Joyfully” (which i could not put down it was so good!)…i asked the Buddha’s a week before my diagnosis for a really good teaching on renunciation, man oh man i wish i could take that one back!! today i pulled the animal totem of……the bat, now that is no coincidence!!
today is a day of major decisions and yet not really a choice in my mind. the oncologist met with me to discuss the outcome of my newest latest and greatest scan…..bada bing bada boom….the cancer is stable he says happily!! stable…i think to myself not happily…stable equates to NO progress in my mind. the fact that the cancer has not regressed or progressed in growth is not what i call a success…tho my oncologist would disagree. his measure of success with a patient of his; “she has the most severe cancer and is still alive three years later”…how long has she been off chemo my mate asks….never, replies the doctor! to make a long story short if i want to live longer i must live dependent upon chemo….indefinitely and this will NOT cure me, eventually the cells would become resistant and so it goes…on…and on..! see what i mean by NOT a choice…it’s not a choice about extending time it’s a choice about living a meaningful life with the time we have.
did you know that each chemo treatment runs approx. 20,000$ without insurance! i am grateful to be among the insured, it’s the one responsible thing i have always done because i was/am a mom. i never wanted my children to be without health care nor did i want them to suffer…of ALL the attachments in/of this world my heart concern is about my own mother in this life. when her father died she got to spend many years one on one with her mom, when we bought my parents house it was with the condition that they live their remaining days in the guest house, so naturally my thoughts went towards my memories of her and her mother thinking i would be able to have this “quality” time with her after dad passed away. well, dad is still fighting to live suffering with diabetes and other ailments but his will is strong! i guess i’ll just have to whisk my mom away for day outings and be grateful for whatever moments we can share.
The ponies run, the girls are young,
The odds are there to beat.
You win a while, and then it’s done
Your little winning streak.
And summoned now to deal
With your invincible defeat,
You live your life as if it’s real,
A thousand kisses deep.
cool runnings everyone…
“peace be your journey”