Chemo Land

the lights are bright overhead in the oncology clinic. there must be 20+ stations for patients, with only a few extra small sitting chairs for visitors or partners…which i found rather inconsiderate, however what do i know.  my post today is about our 5 sense awarenesses /or our sense powers and how unique it is to each individual.  we all have different capacities just as in our mental capacities to understand or cognize.

i felt rather naive embarking on this journey into modern medicine/science even with consulting with my docs and family and friends whom have been thru it…there is nothing that correlates to real experience. we can share stories but ultimately my awareness’s and truths in my mind may and most likely will be different than what you experience and so will your perspective and story to tell.

like i said i am just beginning this path and for some reason i thought the clinic aspect would be piped in with waterfalls, ocean waves, birds happily chirping…NOT. the view would be dimly lit for meditating or reading nooks….NOT.  the taste in my mouth at first entry is medicinal, they flush my port with a blood thinner and then anti nausea medication, after that my mouth tends to dry out.

one of the drugs has a definate side effect to temperatures…thus the AC running felt like siberia!  hanks sits with me at my side in one of the few visitor chairs and is always at the ready!  like yesterday before getting my portable pump device removed  i realized the bowels were going to bust (again) so i headed with bag in tow to the bathroom to find it locked!!! my stomach at that moment flipped and decided to exit the other way, praticing “mindfulness” choosing a direction with less people to witness this so as not to make all 20 of us barfing i found a waste basket, signaled to hank my demise and he was there with a cold washcloth before the second dry heave!! 

teehee…hank was determined to get my chuckle on! this is a deceptive image(would’ve liked to have been crying), granted temporary happiness is always nice but this round made the warrior feel the battle!  

Chemo Regimen

Folfox + Avastin
Day 1 4-5 hours IV infusion
Days 2 & 3 pump (48 hrs)
Every 2 weeks for 12 treatments (6 months)
Reassess @ 3 months


thanks kassie for your tip on the fluids…saved my arse…!  and thanks to mersadies for “my fighting mantras”!

one perk:  mosquitos must have a unique sense of smell?  they swirl around me and land but never have they bit me while on chemo!!

update: heading back to the oncology clinic…better be safe rather than sorry for the weekend approaches…getting another bag of fluids and anti-diarrheal meds IV!!  little difficult to be hydrating if ya know what i mean, especially with a much shortened large intestine and half a rectum, sorry for the visual guys but eh, it’s samsara!

11 Responses to “Chemo Land”

  • lulu Says:

    probably not what you wanna hear, but you look just like grandma is this picture!

  • hazel Says:

    teehee :) that was the first thing i thought when i saw it!!
    love you glorious girl of earth sun moon and happiness! i love you

  • Marty Says:

    Yup, I’m a cry-baby. All my love my good sister. Taking & giving for you.

  • Chris Arts Says:

    I want to send you a big sign of support! I can somewhat imagine the frustrations you are going through. Can we come by and see you? Can I send you Thanks? (I need details….email). I’m a huge fan. My full support goes out to you and I wish you the best getting through the system. I know you will succeed, you are tough!

  • Kassie Says:

    Even years later, seeing the pics of that chemo room evoke nausea and more…Glad the IV helped and smart to be pre-emptive for the weekend. Will put a big, ugly nail over my bed at home…sometimes I would ask the onc nurses to cap the IV and send me home with it – it at least would last a day or so – then can just have Hank remove. Your regimen looks formidable. You are right, there is nothing anyone can say (even those that have been through something like it) that can approach going through it yourself. I am sending the most earnest, intense, healing I can summon. Thanks for your words and updates on this blog…

  • Diana Yakowitz Says:

    look at you!
    I know that smile does not last long in the setting you describe. You need sunglasses – cool ones, good earphones with wonderful music or podcasts playing, internet to look at flickr photos while listening to that music and set on bright so that you can still see through those cool sunglasses with a blinder from above, or baseball cap, to block the glare of those florescent lights… and turn everything off for a while a close your eyes too, to see inward, mentally strengthening your systems while bombarding the invaders.

  • Klaus Says:

    “especially with a much shortened large intestine and half a rectum, sorry for the visual” – Yes, Hazel, give it to us, the full truth. Give my heart-felt regards to Hank.

  • Deb Richards Says:

    I read, I pray, I send love to you through the ethers. Know that even when I don’t comment I’ve been with you and look forward to that being together being in the physical plane.
    love love love

  • Mimi Says:

    Dear Hazel (and you are very dear),
    Thank you for telling it like it is.
    Hank sounds wonderful – I’m so glad he’s taking good care of you.

    I want to take away all your suffering, but since I’m not capable of that, I find myself wanting to redesign your clinic. I’m not sure I can “pipe” in birds, though – maybe fish?
    They need one of those blanket-warmers like they have in the hospital – happiness is a warm blanket, after all. Adjustable lighting. One bathroom per patient, 3 steps from their recliner chair …. what else?

    Keep Buddha at your heart.

    Sending you love and prayers,

  • Diane Says:

    you look so good. And you continue to be an absolute treasure, Hazel. Sending you Love,
    Diane xxx

  • bookbird Says:

    May you be safe
    May you have mental happiness
    May you have physical happiness
    May you live with ease

    Om Mani Padme Hum

    sending you blessings from Sydney xo

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