The Asian Welder

having gained 6 lbs back now, my suitcase is packed half with foods of high protein and caloric intake!  a Buddhist retreat provides three wonderful vegetarian meals however my metabolism cannot exist long or keep my weight on without cheating!  i leave tomorrow morning for England at 4amish…i cannot believe it is already 7 weeks since my diagnosis and 6 weeks since major surgery!?  i feel great, my strength has improved immensely and i am so ready to get my head into the game now!  

i thank you ALL for providing me with such love, strength, courage, kind words, gifts, food…. Pei Ling, Tracy, Tamra, Gen Lingpur, Laurel, Mariko, Wes, Kimie, Walter, Pamela, Diane, Diana, George,Leah, Mike, Kathy, Mick, Walter, Brad, Lita, Mauri, Shannon, Cyd, Lisa, Kimi, Jeff, Mark, Adele, Cynthia, Marty, Gamo, Mersadies, Andrea, MaryClare, Gabriela, Dave, Land, Erica, Willie, Cheryl, Cindy, Tara, JoJo, Kit, Nancy, Carol, Debbie, Erin, Bill, Klaus, Sabina, Sarah, Chuck, Diana, Betsy, Ann, Christine, David, Debby, Gil, Joy, Frank, Terry, Liz, Tom, Katt, Don, Bob, Marlin, Jacquie, Chris, Amy, Diane, Michelle, Bodhipaksa, Cameron, Connie, Deb, Barbara, Kassie, Sean, Shanti, Stella, Kristina, Jen, Steve, Harrison, Roger, Phil…….random order due to memory and i know i have forgotten many others…i will not be back here for a few weeks.  i arrive back in tucson on saturday, August 6th, that monday i will undergo a “PETscan” and the next day i start my chemo, i’m told it’s  one treatment at the oncology clinic and then self administering through a pump over 48 hours, to be continued every two weeks over six months.

live happy and conscientiously!

love,

hazel 

view of the girls locker room at UA rec center…

with a world population around 7 billion human beings i am just a grain of sand in comparison.  one being suffering compared to that of billions on this planet and that’s not mentioning the other sentient beings like our beloved animals, insects…whom suffer no less but have no voice or capacity to communicate.  

sometimes i get so caught up in my little bubble that i fail to see the bigger picture…

sometimes i forget about today let alone the moment and project the future into this bubble with great unhappiness…

sometimes my mind is so out of control my emotions carry me to and fro like a roller coaster unhinged from its tracks…

tis human nature i guess to struggle so much, this wanting and grasping at external realities when the only thing that can change our bubble we live in is our minds and the awareness’ it brings.  cancer for me has brought a magnifying glass upon “self” and its existence.  yesterday i went to my Dharma center to hear a teaching on “concentration”, something i seem to be lacking these days!  what i came away with are opportunities and possibilities to becoming the person i want to be.  subtle, supple, giving, spontaneous in love/compassion and the tools to be able to change and benefit others…even now with cancer i can be of benefit to others!  how magical and how liberating!  now, if i can just keep this attitude…

how do YOU keep a positive/or happy mind? whom do you strive to become? 

The true value of a human being is determined primarily by the measure and the sense in which he has attained to liberation from the self.

Einstein

yippee ki yay…my fave bakery above and that of the many kind and generous people whom have helped by cooking meals and deliveries, most especially my mate who follows me around with fluids and sandwiches, i have now gained 3 solid pounds back!!!

the quote above made me chuckle this morning because i have such a long long way to go before i experience liberation from self!  lately it feels as though the more i understand the less i know. which is OK…i am rather enjoying the NOT knowing, letting go of control of whatever i think i have control over, watching my mind and body stumble as if this body were not attached to this mind or vice verse, it humbles one this vulnerability.  earlier today i was in a terrible funk, feeling overwhelmed with what this life presented and then Laurel called to get some “momma advice”, and then her sister came by to spend a couple hours with me..and then i went swimming!!  swimming for me is like the analogy of riding a bike, no matter how many years i step away from this sport as soon as my body slips into a mass of water i can naturally swim, swim, swim.  today i swam 250 yards, 3 weeks after surgery!  i cannot thank my mate Hank enough!  he not only drives me everywhere he swam in the lane with me! all in all this day totally rocked and kicked that sorry “self” to the curb!!

port for chemo…looks like a golf ball under my skin!

healing nicely from surgery…