Jun 16 2011

mind games

scene from “anthropologie” boutique, in search for some soft nightie that might make me feel better…? now that was one moment with the lights out!

the surgery thus far has been a huge success, all my pelvic region is free of disease, i just have this tether of a catheder i drag around and hopefully get it removed today. this body i have carried around for over 51 yrs has gone thru a major transformation, oh yeah we’re talking “emptiness” on a whole new level.  from an average over the last 20 yrs of 115lbs i now hover 104lbs. pains and distortions i never knew could exist within such a small frame rear their voice usualy an octave higher than mine own.

there are too many people to thank in my world and when i feel more up to the task i will find you personally to thank you for your incredible kindness’s…because of your kindness and prayer i continue on, even on the dark days in my mind…like yesterday when the final pathology came in:

“my” liver, an organ that is your filtration system for your body has now been labeled; stage T4 N2 M1 poorly differentiated rectal adenocarcinoma with neuro-endocrine features…basically i need a miracle. there is one exception, a man in another country who still lives in his seventh year after treatment…he is the only survivor..thus far! yesterday was my darkest hour. but alas a new day has arisen and with it my belief in miracles, it is why i must train this new body now to gain in weight and strength to get to Manjushri,England by end of july.  miracles in my mind come by way of faith and positive minds, surrounded by the  thousands of Buddhists in retreat for two weeks, the Buddhas and the powerful prayers of the masses i place utmost faith in a miracle arising from this experience more than the science of medicine in chemo.  i will still go thru my round of 6 months of chemo however if there is no significant change for the better than my karma will speak for me.

this was taken yesterday before i had the discharge bag removed and before the final prognosis.  i chuckle at this photo cause you’d think it was taken after with that scowl across my face!!  i’ve yet to turn to anger in mind however the self-grasping ignorance barometer seems to be climbing!  please keep meditating mates…i am who i am thru the kindness of others.

All the attainments i desire arise from merely remembering you

oh wishfulfilling jewel protector of the

dharma please accommplish all my wishes.