Jun 23 2011

effects

are produced thru the causes we create in body, speech and mind. cause / effect in Buddhist terms is called “karma”.  every action in body, speech and mind produces either a positive, negative or neutral effect…

two weeks out from surgery and my “plan” (i use the word loosely) was to start a walking regimen daily to build up endurance,eventually to get me to a pool where i can swim to build upon..these last two weeks have been rest, rest, rest, eat, rest, eat, rest…i fall asleep to (friend/mentor)Gamo’s ipod listening to everything from teachings to mantras…flowers now fill my house from family/friends, food comes by way of ninja like warriors they arrive and leave without my knowledge, beautiful things arrive by mail from people i have not had the pleasure to meet, letters/emails of hope and love and i wonder how i created such a wealth of love in my world?

one thing i am 100% sure on is how precious this life is…not just mine but yours!  the primary cancer i host, in science and medicine say it is caused only by “genetics” and yet nobody in either side of my family has ever been diagnosed with it. the tumor had a life of 5 – 7 years and yet i looked great by society standards and felt great.  it has to beg the question if you’re reading this…can it really happen like this? YES..it just did!

hug your loved ones, give, give and then give some more and give to strangers!  stop taking, blaming and wanting  for just one day and do nothing but give…you, your time, materials, fearlessness, a cut in the que, the victory to others…time has no relevance except in this moment.

taken yesterday at the UA campus rec. center!  hehhehe…look peeps this was only a photo opp!  thanks to my mate whom drove me over to there to keep my spirits up this was about the extent of my activity..visiting!


Jun 16 2011

mind games

scene from “anthropologie” boutique, in search for some soft nightie that might make me feel better…? now that was one moment with the lights out!

the surgery thus far has been a huge success, all my pelvic region is free of disease, i just have this tether of a catheder i drag around and hopefully get it removed today. this body i have carried around for over 51 yrs has gone thru a major transformation, oh yeah we’re talking “emptiness” on a whole new level.  from an average over the last 20 yrs of 115lbs i now hover 104lbs. pains and distortions i never knew could exist within such a small frame rear their voice usualy an octave higher than mine own.

there are too many people to thank in my world and when i feel more up to the task i will find you personally to thank you for your incredible kindness’s…because of your kindness and prayer i continue on, even on the dark days in my mind…like yesterday when the final pathology came in:

“my” liver, an organ that is your filtration system for your body has now been labeled; stage T4 N2 M1 poorly differentiated rectal adenocarcinoma with neuro-endocrine features…basically i need a miracle. there is one exception, a man in another country who still lives in his seventh year after treatment…he is the only survivor..thus far! yesterday was my darkest hour. but alas a new day has arisen and with it my belief in miracles, it is why i must train this new body now to gain in weight and strength to get to Manjushri,England by end of july.  miracles in my mind come by way of faith and positive minds, surrounded by the  thousands of Buddhists in retreat for two weeks, the Buddhas and the powerful prayers of the masses i place utmost faith in a miracle arising from this experience more than the science of medicine in chemo.  i will still go thru my round of 6 months of chemo however if there is no significant change for the better than my karma will speak for me.

this was taken yesterday before i had the discharge bag removed and before the final prognosis.  i chuckle at this photo cause you’d think it was taken after with that scowl across my face!!  i’ve yet to turn to anger in mind however the self-grasping ignorance barometer seems to be climbing!  please keep meditating mates…i am who i am thru the kindness of others.

All the attainments i desire arise from merely remembering you

oh wishfulfilling jewel protector of the

dharma please accommplish all my wishes.


Jun 4 2011

truth

this is “me”, the name given to me, “Hazel”. i am not unique, i am impermanent and because of the countless kind beings in my world i have experienced love, compassion and joy…and with this i have experienced their opponents. in all my fragmented writings on self, happiness, impermanence and this life i call samsara, Buddha is correct…life is suffering, varying degrees and snippets of pleasure and happiness but never lasting only temporary.

this was taken last night…2 days after i found out i have stage T4 cancer.  a prognosis where only 15% are cured. seems odd as i sat there with the gentle wind blowing, misters cooling the air and my life mate before me that i was sitting there dying. yes, we’re all dying everyday, but my clock suddenly has been catapulted to a faster pace, a pace which estimates that at the most statistics say five more years if the chemo works.  i have chosen to first go against the “standard of care” here in the country because they wanted to wheel me in the hospital that afternoon and put me on aggressive chemo and radiation for six months and then surgery and then more treatments of chemo!?  initially i wasn’t even scheduled for a visit to any doc until mid july, it was the power of my mate being in the field of medicine that snuck me in quicker than most people (whom suffer no less than i).  i am grateful for his attentive love and support and urgency to the matter, truth is if it weren’t for a little intestinal issues i felt fine.  just this morning i was at the bakery and the girls know my mother and i because we frequent it on a weekly basis, both gals today made comments at how “healthy” i looked and how beautiful my face…what a smile in my heart that produced, tho bittersweet.

with all the tools i’ve gained from my teachings in Dharma i am still an ordinary human with many emotions coming and going in waves.  i pray for peace of mind…i pray for others whom suffer…

so a new journey has begun for me and i would like to document it on occasion with images.  they will be random and not daily but hopefully thought provoking. funny, i don’t even know whom reads this blog with the exception of a few loyal friends…i suppose blogs really are meant for “self”, a way to expand our dialogue, to vent, to hear ourself through the words we read…and yet i hope it touches someone out there in space and time and moves them to change or at the very least stop for one moment and reflect on their life. have you been kind to others? when was the last time you gave of yourself? if you’ve never thought you might die today what if?